i'd walk to you if i had no other way
by betweentheraindrops
Summary: Ryan/Marissa. AU 3x03. She lets out a tear, a small one. He's the one she can't imagine leaving.


A/N: Something I started but never intended on following through on. If Marissa really had to leave in 3x03, this is how I imagined her leaving. It's appalling how much I miss these two.

Reviews are lovely.

I've got so much left to say

If every simple song I wrote to you would

take your breath away, I'd write it all.

_- Hey There Delilah, Plain White T's_

.. .. ..

Leaving. Fresh start. New everything. _Leaving_.

Marissa thinks of the words bitingly, the entire concept of leaving her life. Leaving Summer, Ryan, and Seth. _Leaving Ryan_. Making new friends. Being apart from the life she was just starting to enjoy again. It sucks, she thinks to herself, that she wants her parents to be happy so much that she sacrifices her own. She feels like she's been so selfish before, that maybe she really does own them this.

She looks over to Ryan and he grabs her hand in his own, lifts it up to his lips and kisses it softly, his lips gently pressing against her knuckles. Marissa lets out a tear, a small one. _He's_ the one she can't imagine leaving.

Ryan holds her hand the entire car ride to the Balboa docks, keeping quiet because honestly, he doesn't know what to say. He knows he should say something, anything, to convince her that they will be okay, that they'll manage the distance. The problem is, he's not sure it's true. He wants to believe it, but they've never made it work before when they were living in the same county. Now that she'll be that fucking far away... he's not sure. He wants to be, but he can't. That's always seemed the case when it came to them anyway.

Marissa twines her fingers in his, crossing her legs over again as they stay silent.

He looks over at her and he smiles. She's looking out her window, saying goodbye to Newport, he assumes. He's done it enough to know what she's doing. It seems fitting that the weather lacks its usual luster. It's dull, the ocean breeze still blowing. Her hair is in a messy ponytail and she's wearing flip flops with her dark blue jeans, his hoodie wrapped around her shoulders. Ryan told her to keep it, something to remind her of him and remember him by. _Trust me_, she told him, _I'm going to be thinking about you whether I'm wearing it or not._

He's not even going to try to deny that he looked at her differently after she said that, a good different. He simply kissed her cheek, kept his head on the side of hers, and let her cry.

.. .. ..

Ryan held her hand before, during, and after the wedding. It was small and intimate and only Sandy and Kirsten stood up with Marissa's newly reunited parents. Marissa held her boyfriend's hand during the vows, squeezing it tightly at _i promise to love you forever, even when it seems that i don't_.

The reception consisted of champagne and happy smiles, but Marissa's smile was half-hearted, feeling her looming departure, therefore feeling the party being a little bittersweet. She was happy for her parents, she really was. But she was still leaving. There wasn't enough flash photography or flutes of Dom to make her forget that.

.. .. ..

So their foursome, her and the other three people that she'd miss the most, would be separated. They got in Ryan's Range Rover and began driving to the docks, where they now sit silent. Or, nearly silent.

Summer makes idle chit chat in the back with Seth and Ryan knows she's just avoiding the fact her best friend is leaving. He can't say he doesn't understand where she's coming from. The two of them are losing this girl they've grown accustomed to spending practically everyday with. Seth doesn't have nearly as much emotional attachment to Marissa, but Ryan knows the two bonded the year before and that they share several things in common. He knows his brother will miss the girl sitting next to him too.

Marissa turns toward Ryan and smiles sadly, squeezing his hand. She's so beautiful and she looks so sad, and he just wants her to stay. He could convince her to, he's sure of it.

Seth interrupts the silence, saying, "What's up with this music? Put in some Death Cab."

"But I love Journey," Ryan objects lamely, and it's light and they're not talking about Marissa leaving, and it's _normal_. The girls chuckle, somehow convincing him to change stations and he eventually settles on John Mayer when Marissa tells him to.

.. .. ..

When the four of them get to the docks, Summer starts crying, making Marissa cry. Seth wipes at his eyes, complaining about the pollen.

Marissa snorts, doesn't make fun of him for being emotional, because she is too. They both know they've always been really similar. She hugs him first, tells him to stay in touch and tell her of the various books he'll be reading, so she'll be able to keep up with him. Seth tells her she still won't be able to and she shoves him aside, chuckling.

Ryan hands Jimmy her luggage and he tells Ryan that he can visit. He tells him that Sandy has many frequent flyer miles and it's not like money has ever been an issue for the Cohens. _Maybe for me_, he says wryly, earning a chuckle from his daughter's boyfriend. Ryan nods, tells him he will.

Jimmy shakes his hand, thanks him for being so good to his daughter and Ryan smiles. He's never been liked by a girlfriend's father before. It feels good.

Ryan turns around to his girlfriend as she's hugging Summer, both crying into each other's shoulders, promises of visits and phone calls being made. He takes a breath before walking over to them. The girls let go of each other and Ryan's arm comes around Marissa's shoulders, her arms going fully around his waist. He keeps his nose on the side of her head, breathing her in. He keeps the scent of sandalwood at the back of his mind, memorizing and remembering her. Not that he wouldn't anyway, but he needs to touch her because he knows he won't be able to soon.

Julie and Jimmy say their goodbyes to Sandy and Kirsten and Seth just keeps his arms around Summer, letting her cry into his chest.

Even if the Coopers are just moving and Summer's already set up her visit to Kauai in three weeks, it still hurts. Probably more than they realized it would.

Marissa's mom and dad walk up the makeshift ramp to the boat and Marissa turns in Ryan's arms, looking up at him sadly. _This is it_. She doesn't say anything, just grabs her other wrist with her hand at the back of his waist, fully encircling him in her arms. He keeps one arm around her shoulders, kisses her temple once, twice, again.

Kirsten smiles sadly at them, remembers a scene similar to this only two years ago, lowers her gaze when Ryan looks down, clearly embarrassed that they have an audience. They know everyone's watching them, so Marissa pulls him by the hand to the side of the boat, where they'll have privacy. He drags his feet and she knows what he's doing because she knows _him_, knows that he wants her to leave just as much as she does herself.

"I don't know what to say," she admits softly, playing with the zipper of his hoodie that she's wearing.

Ryan braves a smile at her, doesn't want to see her cry. "Then don't." _Don't say anything._

Marissa looks up at him and she knows what she wants to tell him, but saying goodbye to him hurts so much more now than she thought it would. Saying _that_ might just make everything worse. "But-"

"But nothing," Ryan tells her, gently wiping away the tears that have fallen down her cheeks. "It isn't forever, okay? You and me, we'll be fine."

She nods. It sounds so simple, that the distance is only a mere obstacle and that they'll make it. They've had so many of them that one couldn't count off a hand. But he wants to try and she couldn't fathom not, so she believes him.

Marissa grabs him by the lapels of his sweatshirt, the black version of the one she's wearing, pulls him closer and covers his mouth with hers. His hands land at her jeans, inserting them in the pockets, pulling her flush against him, feeling how perfect she feels when she's pressed up against him like this.

She inserts her tongue in his mouth slightly, pushing his lips apart, which he fully obliges. Marissa's tears fall onto his cheek, her hand holding his chin, and he knows it, knows she's trying to remember him too.

She pulls away and Ryan looks at her briefly, her eyes fluttered shut, before kissing her again, this time a simple press of his lips to hers. He's committing her to memory, even though he's sure he would've anyway.

Marissa grabs his hand at her hip, folding it in her own and holding it up to her chest. "Okay."

.fin.


End file.
